Failure
by southerncrossgirl
Summary: Ben contemplates suicide after a series of events sees him hit rock bottom.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: The characters in Blue Heelers do not belong to me, the are the property of their creators, the Seven Network etc etc

Okay I had to write this as I have always loved the character of Ben Stewart and while I have know idea if he is going to pull the trigger or not (I'd hope not but knowing the script writers and everything that has happened to Ben in the past it is possible) My girlfriend said I should post it to Fan Fiction so here goes nothing.

It's told from Ben's POV

I'm a failure, I guess I've always known it but now it's been confirmed, Ben Stewart is a complete and utter failure. A failure as a father, a failure in love, a failure in life and a complete and utter failure at my job which Tom has just confirmed in no uncertain terms and he has made clear that there there is no future for me here at Mt. Thomas and I doubt there is any future for me full stop.  
  
Alright you think know what you're thinking, you're thinking that I'm feeling sorry for myself. Yes I got my arse chewed out by the boss and now I'm just licking my wounds but I can tell you that it is far more then that. I have nothing left to go on for, I have never been at such low ebb and as I look at my glock service pistol I think about how easy it would be to just end all the pain now. With this thought I press the cold steel against my temple and slowly start to squeeze the trigger but my hand is shaking and I can't stop thinking about that night at the Imperial when Susie told me it was over and I could tell that she loved Jonesy and Oh God what a fool I made of myself acting like a love lorn teenager, all my colleagues probably snickering away behind my back.

Then I start to think about my kids and I look at their photo and I realise that if I pull this trigger the ever lasting memory they'll have of their old man. My ex and Frank, their step father will tell them that I was weak, a coward and maybe I am but everyone has a breaking point and God help me so do I. I mean if truth be told there have been very few happy times for me in the last six years. There was getting busted from detective Sergeant to uniform senior constable for something that wasn't really my fault and then the transfer to Mt Thomas, the break up of my marriage, more failed relationships then I care to count, my spiral into alcoholism, burning down PJ's home and almost getting him and Jo killed and Jo... Oh God Jo.. If I'd been a half way reasonable man then Jo would not have been at the station the day that poor bloody Clancy found that booby trap backpack. Oh God.. The gun drops from my grasp and I reach for my note book, I can't simply end it all without explanation. I owe it to my kids to tell them that this isn't their fault that they must never blame themselves for what I am about to do.

And yet I know that they will live with the legacy that their father killed himself, that he was weak and couldn't rise above these problems that pressed down so hard on him. Yet I have to ask the question of all who will judge me for this final act, how many times does a man have to be beaten down? Knocked down? Have his heart trampled on? before he can take no more punishment. I know the answer to that all too well and as I put aside my note book, I get out of the car and walk a short distance from the vehicle. I've have the photo of my children into my hand and their faces will be the last earthly thing that I see.

Finding a spot beneath a tree I take a deep breath and prepare myself for this last act. They say that suicides never get to heaven but I never really believed in all that religion business and nothing could be as bad as the hell on earth that my life has become. So with a trembling hand holding the cold muzzle of my service piece firmly against my temple I slowly start to pull the trigger and yet I can't. I just can't and I don't know what is stopping me but I can't even kill myself, I'm even a failure at that. The gun clatters to the ground and I slowly slide down the tree with hot tears streaming down my face. I am a failure and picking up the gun yet again I am determined that this time I will not fail, I just have to find the strength to do this deed before one of the others can find me and stop me. I can't fail again, I just can't fail again.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Thank you for your feedback – I'm flattered that not only has someone read this story they actually enjoyed it as well. There was really no intention to go beyond where it was originally left and leave it to the imagination of the reader if he pulled the trigger or not, however here is the next and final instalment. I have followed the lead of the actual show a little and was so pleased with the way the script writers handled Ben's departure. After all that happened to him during his time in Mt Thomas I had my doubts as to what would actually happen. So for better or worse here is the rest.

Recap: Ben is ready to end is misery, can anyone or anything stop him from following through on this final desperate act?

I swallow hard and gaze at the gun which blurs because of my tears. God help me I want to do this thing and yet something is stopping me. No make that someone, no make that three of them and I press the picture of my three wonderful children to my heart and know that I can't do this thing.

'Ben!' I look up and see PJ and Susie come running towards me. 'Don't do it Benny boy,' PJ is by my side now. 'We can work this out. It's not your fault, what happened isn't your fault buddy,' his hand is stretched out and I wipe my eyes and press the gun into his palm and allow him to help me to my feet.

'Ben,' he puts a hand on my shoulder and once more repeats that it isn't my fault, I smile sadly at him Yes it is Peej, I sigh and I've come to a very important decision. Now I have to talk to the boss.

As I walk back to the car I have a feeling that neither PJ nor Susie realise exactly what decision I have come to, oh I think they realise that I'm leaving Mount Thomas but I'm also going to leave the police force. I do blame myself for what happened today, if I had taken the correct action previously then the outcome would have been oh so different but I didn't and now a woman is dead and my lack of good judgement is never going to hurt anyone in that way again.

Two weeks later

I think that they were all stunned by my decision but it was something that I had to do and now as I collect my luggage at Perth airport I wonder if they will be here to greet me. Well even not at least I am now closer to my family. It seems like a dream that I was sitting there under a tree in country Victoria ready to end it all until I realised that I'm not a failure. How can a man be a failure when he's fathered three wonderful kids? How can a man be a failure when he has an amazing strength of character that he had forgotten he possessed? I guess it was the love of my children that stopped me that day. The love for them and the fact that tomorrow is another day and, that by leaving Mount Thomas, by leaving the police force, I could and will turn my life around.'

'Dad!' I hear Josh my son call out and I turn and there they are, my three children waving madly and then Josh is running to me and we are hugging, soon the four of us are hugging while my ex wife stands at a distance and simply watches.

'Dad are you really here to stay? For good and forever.'

Yes I'm here to stay forever. I tell him as I continue to hug them all. They will never know about my darkest moment and that they were the bright and shining beacon that saved me and made me realise that there is hope for me after all.

'Dad what are you going to do?' Maddy asks me. 'I mean now that you've left the police.'

I have a few job opportunities that I am considering and I tell them this, even the ex nods in approval not that I'm concerned about what she thinks, not really. All I care about is that I am still alive, I'm here with my kids and suddenly my life and the future is looking pretty damn good.

End


End file.
